Boys will be… -A look at how young males are being socialised

Generally in society, we home in and focus on young males without fathers. Those whose dads left, had affairs, went to prison, passed away. It built up a stereotype that dads are less likely to hang about to see their child progress through all stages of life. However statistics show it isn’t really a false portrayal, 90% of single parents are women. These young males face problems in relation to their behaviour and achievement. There is a recurring problem of no male role-model being present to supposedly ‘guide’ them through their development. This is not to undermine mothers, of course.

Parenting and Gender

Let’s focus on the families where the fathers are still around. This poses another question of how an even smaller amount are actually good, representative and selfless individuals equipped with the ability to become role-models for their sons. After reading deeper into some articles, fathers of school-aged daughters are ‘less likely to be sexist’. This is through the pure awareness dads experience, of the challenges young women face when growing up. ‘The mighty girl effect’ a concept developed by an Oxford economic papers study, that explains how fathering daughters alters attitudes of gender roles in society. This isn’t applicable to sons, it’s even been discovered that mothers are more likely to conform to male gender-role stereotypes.

Among people I know, the majority of their parents were born in the 60s, They grew up in the 70s and 80s and were put to work in the late 80s and early 90s. Off the bat a generational difference is clear, the society they grew up in was different to what it is today. Gender roles enforced, toxic masculinity follows and this is laid on thick for the young adult males of today. Most of them are socialised with these hyper-masculine ideas that they take through everyday life. Ironically they don’t tend to make a nice fit with the values and morals of 2020.

As an individual, growing up with boy mates who are susceptible to this type of toxic socialisation. Toxic masculinity is defined by the attachment to traditional male gender roles that consequently stigmatise and limit the emotions boys and men may comfortably express, while elevating other emotions such as anger. It was important to me to understand on a deeper level how this has affected their development and teenage years.

In this article, I spoke to my good friend, Tom who gave me a personal insight into his relationship with his step-dad. Whilst talking to him, I could see how even addressing their relationship was insightful for him. It almost allowed him to admit that the hyper-masculine parenting has had an impact on him. It took a normalised parental relationship and highlighted the weaknesses that many boys experience and can relate to.

A middle ground

The main focus I wanted for this article was for it to be about Tom, one of my close friends. I proposed it to him on a night out a while ago and luckily caught him for an interview one evening. As an individual he exudes confidence and was willing to speak up about his experiences. I intended to make him the centre point as his story is a negative but common reality that can be very relatable for so many young males. When speaking to him, he really highlighted how he wanted to act as a voice for so many individuals, especially boys coming into their desired identities at 17 and 18.

His biological father was not a prevalent figure in his life. From a very young age, Tom’s dad took a backseat in terms of his parenting, he worked away in Taiwan and eventually his parents got divorced in 2006. From the ages of 5 to 12, Tom and his mum lived alone and developed a very close relationship. When his stepdad entered his life at age 12, it was a shock change that caused a difficult adaptation to follow. His step dad, with a heavy police background that consisted of a regimented moral code that lacked any form of sympathy or emotion.

At the time, Tom was geeky, quiet and kept himself to himself in his bedroom. This did not sit well with his step-dad, in his eyes it was laziness and unhelpful in their household. It became his duty to make him more active and effectively ‘toughen him up.’ His approach was anger-fuelled, intense shouting and violent towards Tom. At such a raw, emotional age of 13 it was hard for him to not get upset about these sort of attacks. The classic phrases ‘boys don’t cry’, ‘man up’ were thrown about like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. The overbearing hyper-masculinity made Tom question his identity, was he manly enough?

As Tom progressed through puberty and growing up. He preferred to make himself scarce at home, and if an argument ensued Tom and his step-dad stopped all communication between them for a period of time. This method was a response to each of them trying to have the upper hand and control over their situation and relationship. As Tom became older, he connected his step-dad’s police background with his lack of emotional intelligence. Tom is now 17 and describes their relationship as polarising and divisive, they stay out of each other’s way and Tom is sure enough to not take on his step-dad’s superiority complex.

As I continued to speak to Tom, he revealed that his Step-dad and Mum’s relationship is healthy and is the one example when he can see his step-dad’s loving side. At an earlier time, Tom struggled with the reduced attention from his mum, as it had only ever been them. However in a more positive light, Tom only wanted the best happiness for his mum. A sacrifice that has become easier as he has gotten older.

In terms of his step-dad’s influences, Tom addressed how he has learned practicalities of traditional male jobs like mechanics. Similarly to his step dad, Tom finds his views to be pretty black and white, he freely speaks about his passionate political views and thoughts of injustices. In a sense this is how his step dad also enforces his values, as Tom mentions, “it’s his way or the highway.”

New change

This case with Tom and his step-dad is an important example of parental influences, a pretty middle ground where it could’ve been better and more effective. As well as the relationship having the ability to be worse. In a sense, Tom’s step-dad values himself on avoiding hate-crimes like misogyny, homophobia and racism. This comes from his career in the police and his law background. However in many circumstances this is not the case for many young males. They can easily become accustomed to these values of prejudice towards certain social groups which is expected and accepted with their upbringing. In today’s society defining ‘masculinity’ is almost impossible. We’re stuck between remaining with the ‘traditional’ aspects of masculinity like macho-status, being alpha and dominant.

Whilst also young males are striving for this new found emotional, expressive side where these topics of ‘toxic masculinity’ are being highlighted. Where the development of social media, expression and discussions on these topics are becoming more normalised. Toxic masculinity has become a prevalent issue, and the emphasis to talk about it is becoming more common. Attitudes are already changing, boys who have grown up with these types of circumstances may aim to go against the grain of gendered parenting, ditching hyper-masculinity and the suppression of young males’ emotions.